An often overlooked skill for any Stay At Home Model ( SAHM ) is that of not always appearing “to” float but that of appearing on a float. The beautiful people parade. They have done so for centuries and ours is not to change the course of history with our hips nor with our synchronized split-doubles. Ney, my sequestered secret super, parading is a skill like any other and should be considered with great earnest and practiced sincerely…more easily after a few drinks alone…in your mind’s gay parade who’s route passes right through your living room tonight!…thanks to an over active imagination that borders on a psychological disorder when you touch alcohol. I digess…digrest…I digresh…(hic)… oh come on! you know what I mean…
Appearing in a parade as a nameless gorgeous human is one of modeling’s most forgiving aspects with regard to one’s “semi-busted,” “sorta pretty,” or just “plain old,” face hence it is popular with SAHM’s as a favorite fantasy booking. Monet’s rejoice! It’s a long way from you to your often sun blinded audience and for once, the golden rule of transvestism applies to every fool on every float everywhere: “Keep it moving, and they’ll never notice it.”
The action at hand is waving. More precisely, waving with simultaneous extreme level ten facial modeling. There are only a few “pointers,” on waving since waving is something most people have been doing since before they could walk (on a runway) or talk (to their booker.) Keep in mind…most of us are lucky enough to have the ability to wave but please remember that somewhere in the world there is baby being born without hands. Think about it. Just bein able to model is a gift. That’s why they call it “the Present,” – wait. Cancel that. Wrong course. – May it suffice to say that when you were born, God gave you (unless you actually are that baby from somewhere in the world) a hand. Then do you know what He did? He gave you another one and by the miracle of the holy spotlight, you just had your first encore! Every parade is your chance to say thanks to Dog Backwards and to finally take your God given bow for being born. Now get on to that flatbed fantasy maker in your mind and shine…you crazy ass, drunk, think your still pretty, old delusional fool, Stay At Home Model!
Tips For Parade Modeling
Do not wave directly to your audience. Instead focus your wave about 12″ above their heads ( see Wave Focus, or Focusing Your Wave. ) This signals your supremacy. After all, you are the one IN the parade therefore you are special, meaning better than, superior to, more whatever than. As a matter of fact, you haven’t actually told anybody this before but… this whole parade is about you. Yeah…. for realz babe!….I know!!!
Do not stop smiling ever. The reasons for this are too obvious to be expounded upon. In an elevator? No talking. In a parade? Constant Smiling. It’s OBVIOUS, people.
About every ten or thirteen seconds, point and simultaneously open your mouth as far as you possibly can. Hold this pose for no more than two seconds, then, back to your standard parade smile-waving ( see Systems of Smile-Waving and Wave-Smiling for Teens) There is an option to bend forward at the waist with this pose, as if you have just been punched in the gut. Again, you are suggesting superiority here, you have to bend down even to see the hundreds of nameless, worthless dweebs that have packed this street for hours just to get a look at you and your superior self. But juuuuust keeeeep smiling, and they’ll never know that they are all dead to you. Hell, you’re not even waving at them. They just think you are. You kinda love this parade thing! Afterwards you and couple other models from another float might meet up and break the law. Wanna know why? Because there IS no law for you. Not tonight, honey. Smile! Wave! Smile! OPEN MOUTH POINT! [ hahahaha!!! “If my hand was a gun I’d be so freakin’ famous by tomorrow…I swear. Pop! Pop! Pop! hahaha…You see this crown? Get on the ground! – hahaha “]
The following is a Stay At Home Models EXCLUSIVE practice recording for Parade Modeling. You may download the file HERE.
As always, please exercise caution when practicing any stay at home modeling skill – coffee table corners can kill – Remember to clear them from your imaginary runway or not really there parade route pre-practice please.
Now, lock the door and close the drapes because it’s time to hit play and play Parade Practice!
This is your rehearsal track – Heaven 17 – Let Me Go 12″ Extended Mix – Learn it.
Assignment: Define through a series of half turns and paused poses, the
popular ’80s concept regarding “The Elegance of Ease.”
Tips: Express contentment and ultimate confidence with your most authentic half smile – no teeth.
Be luxury – as in a luxury ocean liner. Cruise. Keep an impossibly even keel. Float.
As you near the end of your imagined home runway, see how far to the side you can turn your eyes without turning your head…to the degree of appearing freakish for a hot second. Pose, then smirk and leave.
Peeling is permitted at the intermediate level but always remember to scrub off ALL jackets or coats. The accomplished S.A.H.M. will take this moment to show the lining.
Keep practicing. Don’t give up. Spring is a great time to stop eating, by the way.
Stay at home models will recognize the easy fit and flowy feel of a kafan as the perfect costume for some private modeling or a white hot Polaroid photo session. Making kaftans is easy. Modeling them properly takes practice and an honest dedication to the craft.
“After the accident I simply refused to give up my hard earned career in moderately priced sportswear modeling. The Strawberry Fall 2 in-store signage campaign led directly to modeling sunglasses for Dress Barn, certain floppy hats for Fashion Bug and my only cover shoot ever…ID magazine. I simply couldn’t see how losing an eye to a bizarre mascara mishap should stop me from working. I did have trouble judging distance though, so my runway career ended pretty abruptly after my now famous fall into the press pit at the Macy’s “New Visions” Show in San Francisco.”
By now you should be very familiar with the “strictly business” style of American Sportswear Modeling at home. You should be scrubbing all your jackets, discretely showing your linings and utilizing pockets at all times. You should be giving perfect poses to the invisible row of photographers crammed in behind your sofa. If you feel unsure of any technical elements of the technique described in Lesson One, please continue practicing and master the style before moving on to Lesson Two.
At some point in every Stay At Home Model’s career, the thought of appearing on a European runway is entertained. Thanks to the “no travel” aspect of our type of modeling, those thoughts are never realized and in the end can save a young model thousands of dollars in air fares, not to mention the added expense of pocket phrase books. Still, a fully realized S.A.H.M. should have the technical expertise to model at any show level. Believe it or not, in a month or two, if you stick to this course exactly, some of you will be mastering the very highest form of private fantasy runway modeling – The Bath Towel Haute Couture. But before you start draping your Canon bath sheets, you must triumph over your personal Europe right in your own humble little living room.
As a general rule of thumb, keep in mind this: London shows are exciting with fashion forward garments and sometimes challenging musical selections. Paris shows provide the best quality garments with quite simply the worst music in the business. Milan shows are sometimes good, but since Gianni died, it makes for a long week of trying to care about anything other than getting paid. You may want to skip Milan this year and accept a few imaginary editorial shoots in the bath tub or on the stairs.
In general The London/Paris/Milan Style ( L.P.M.S.) is more sophisticated and leaves more room for interpretation by the model. If you dare, you can show off. You are the essence of attitude. You are allowed to be African American. The elements of the style include doubles, split doubles, triples, split triples and ( if you are working for Sonya ) “all the girls out.” Don’t be afraid of those group passes, the runways are bigger there, hence moving the furniture for practice and imagined shows at home is required.
There is talent in Europe as far as hair and make-up are concerned. When you arrive in the other room before your home show, imagine talking to Orlando and Pat about how tired you are. Pretend to be mildly annoyed and half asleep. Experiment with hair pieces and odd make-ups. Make it new but keep it far away from Halloween. Your main concern during hair and make-up should be to have Orlando do you himself. Don’t settle for an assistant. (Since it is very unlikely that Orlando himself will be in your bedroom, use your super powered imagination to see him over your shoulder in the mirror.) Good hair gives a model the security he/she/herm needs to exude confidence and to put over an ice cold air of superiority.
Here is your practice track.
There is no predicting what you may hear at a show over there, so concentrate on the beat and keep in step. Do not acknowledge other girls, except during the finale. Give enough to get yourself a cute shot in The Times. Attitude. Precision. Elegance above all.
Follow it exactly.
If you feel faint in the morning, continue on the diet for another day.
You may switch to the “Brownies and Oranges Diet” when your shoes start falling off.
( Listen fatty, you know how you look.You know exactly how you look. )
You look FAT. FAT!
Fatty McFatterstein didn’t book any shows this season…awwww. Poor Fatty, even Lane Giant cancelled their hold.
Ok, see you at the Dress Barn shoot, Fatty! Oink, oink, oink…