While many enthusiastic runway hopefuls are happy about the program, a certain group of retired, semi-retired and never-going-to-retire-ever models are warning against the possibility of being hit by a bus.
“For God’s sake, girls…puh-lease don’t model across the white safety line!” advises former New York City fashion model, Billy Beyond.
Jason (blogospheric nom de plume “jaymayokay”) is an old (don’t say old) college chum of mine, a New York City ex-pat and a current resident of Australia. Here’s a short interview as introduction to you all, my concerned readers.
BB – Jason! Welcome to billybeyond.com We are so happy to add you to our roster of administrative contributing posters and Stay At Home Models! Firstly, is it really true that Southern Hemisphere Stay At Home Models turn in the opposite direction?
J – What an inspired question! Yes we absolutely do turn in the opposite direction. We also do other classic runway movements a little differently. We Southern Hemisphere gals also do split doubles, but we do them simultaneously whilst eating banana splits. Then as we reach the end of the pretend runway, we toss the empty bowls and spoons into our awestruck make-believe audience. As a finale´ we then actually DO the splits before our turns. Only then do we proceed back down the imaginary runway. (..and when I say “splits”..think Miss Tandi Dupree)
*additionally..here’s a little fun fact for our Northern Hemisphere Stay At Home modeling colleagues, and of course the innumerable fans…All of our aspirations, goals, and dreams for the future go swirling down the drain too….. BUT they swirl counterclockwise.
BB– Cute. Yes I do think Tandi when I think splits because it was actually me that posted that video to Youtube about a hundred years ago. I’m glad to see you’re keeping up…ummmm. Next question – If I were to facetime you, would you be upside down on my screen? I guess that’s technically a technical question but I’m wondering….hmmmm. Yeah.
J -That most certainly is a technical issue, and yes I would appear upside down. But just go to settings in your control center, and turn on your “Portrait Orientation Lock”. “Then what?” you might ask? Why, just simply hold your phone upside down as we FaceTime.
What’re we going to do with all this future?
BB – Good to know. This next question is one I ask everybody so I’m assuming that makes it appropriate.
Have you ever seen a UFO and if you have can please describe your experience for me?
J – Oh yes. I’ve seen thousands of Unidentified Frying Objects. I have no kitchen skills whatsoever, but I love a challenging recipe, and I’m always intoxicated, so I’m sure you can just imagine the ensuing fun. Oh the hilarity!
BB – Always, huh?…Good to know.
How important are unimportant blog posts to you?
a. Somewhat important
III. Very important
d. Other (please explain)
J – Actually dull blog posts (much like any Kardashian) elicit feelings of blasé laissez-faire et ennui. N’est pas?
BB– Bien sûr, je ne pense pas qu’un dictionnaire sera nécessaire! – moving on. Favorite quote from Working Girl is….?
J – There IS only one quote.
BB – Interesting point of view…only one…like one God or one Universe…”there’s only one quote from Working Girl,” yet every word of it is quotable to fags like me….wow – that’s heavy. You’re deep. That’s good, we can use deep around here. Okay, Mister Jaymayokay, final question –
Is Easy On spray starch really that good?
J – See for yourself…
BB – Thank you and welcome ablog.
Thank-you so much for your amazing introduction Billy. I’m truly underwhelmed. It’s nearly a thrill to be joining you on this blogging adventure! I only hope that I can rise to the task, and contribute in a way that meets your exceptionally average standards!
I see new doors opening for all of us!
cute. uh huh. The intervew’s over, Jason. You can cool it with the gifs. Byeeeeeeeee
An often overlooked skill for any Stay At Home Model ( SAHM ) is that of not always appearing “to” float but that of appearing on a float. The beautiful people parade. They have done so for centuries and ours is not to change the course of history with our hips nor with our synchronized split-doubles. Ney, my sequestered secret super, parading is a skill like any other and should be considered with great earnest and practiced sincerely…more easily after a few drinks alone…in your mind’s gay parade who’s route passes right through your living room tonight!…thanks to an over active imagination that borders on a psychological disorder when you touch alcohol. I digess…digrest…I digresh…(hic)… oh come on! you know what I mean…
Appearing in a parade as a nameless gorgeous human is one of modeling’s most forgiving aspects with regard to one’s “semi-busted,” “sorta pretty,” or just “plain old,” face hence it is popular with SAHM’s as a favorite fantasy booking. Monet’s rejoice! It’s a long way from you to your often sun blinded audience and for once, the golden rule of transvestism applies to every fool on every float everywhere: “Keep it moving, and they’ll never notice it.”
The action at hand is waving. More precisely, waving with simultaneous extreme level ten facial modeling. There are only a few “pointers,” on waving since waving is something most people have been doing since before they could walk (on a runway) or talk (to their booker.) Keep in mind…most of us are lucky enough to have the ability to wave but please remember that somewhere in the world there is baby being born without hands. Think about it. Just bein able to model is a gift. That’s why they call it “the Present,” – wait. Cancel that. Wrong course. – May it suffice to say that when you were born, God gave you (unless you actually are that baby from somewhere in the world) a hand. Then do you know what He did? He gave you another one and by the miracle of the holy spotlight, you just had your first encore! Every parade is your chance to say thanks to Dog Backwards and to finally take your God given bow for being born. Now get on to that flatbed fantasy maker in your mind and shine…you crazy ass, drunk, think your still pretty, old delusional fool, Stay At Home Model!
Tips For Parade Modeling
Do not wave directly to your audience. Instead focus your wave about 12″ above their heads ( see Wave Focus, or Focusing Your Wave. ) This signals your supremacy. After all, you are the one IN the parade therefore you are special, meaning better than, superior to, more whatever than. As a matter of fact, you haven’t actually told anybody this before but… this whole parade is about you. Yeah…. for realz babe!….I know!!!
Do not stop smiling ever. The reasons for this are too obvious to be expounded upon. In an elevator? No talking. In a parade? Constant Smiling. It’s OBVIOUS, people.
About every ten or thirteen seconds, point and simultaneously open your mouth as far as you possibly can. Hold this pose for no more than two seconds, then, back to your standard parade smile-waving ( see Systems of Smile-Waving and Wave-Smiling for Teens) There is an option to bend forward at the waist with this pose, as if you have just been punched in the gut. Again, you are suggesting superiority here, you have to bend down even to see the hundreds of nameless, worthless dweebs that have packed this street for hours just to get a look at you and your superior self. But juuuuust keeeeep smiling, and they’ll never know that they are all dead to you. Hell, you’re not even waving at them. They just think you are. You kinda love this parade thing! Afterwards you and couple other models from another float might meet up and break the law. Wanna know why? Because there IS no law for you. Not tonight, honey. Smile! Wave! Smile! OPEN MOUTH POINT! [ hahahaha!!! “If my hand was a gun I’d be so freakin’ famous by tomorrow…I swear. Pop! Pop! Pop! hahaha…You see this crown? Get on the ground! – hahaha “]
The following is a Stay At Home Models EXCLUSIVE practice recording for Parade Modeling. You may download the file HERE.
As always, please exercise caution when practicing any stay at home modeling skill – coffee table corners can kill – Remember to clear them from your imaginary runway or not really there parade route pre-practice please.
Now, lock the door and close the drapes because it’s time to hit play and play Parade Practice!