Unusual choices made to select people for significant positions in the world ; I’m not laughing, but I think the whole world is laughing at us.

You know dear readers, I keep hearing: “I can’t believe that Volodymyr Zelensky won the presidency in Ukraine!?! He has no political experience!!”

You know what I say? So what. He’s a wildly popular, very talented comedian, and apparently he’s extremely intelligent. The highly rated television show he recently starred in is a TV series in which he played a history teacher who is elected president after his rant about government corruption on social media goes viral.

(art imitating life, or is it the other way around?)

His primary comedy focus has been political satire. I think he sounds like the “Ukrainian Stephen Colbert”. He’s also a very financially successful media mogul, and by all accounts, a really decent person. It may seem funny to some people that he was elected president, but that doesn’t sound like such a terrible choice to me.

Also, don’t forget that Italy had the honourable Ilona Staller..aka “Cicciolina” the porn star politician.

Staller was presented as a candidate to the Italian parliament by the Lista del Sole, Italy’s very first Green Party. In 1985, she switched to the Partito Radicale, campaigning on a libertarian platform against nuclear energy. She was also a staunch political supporter for human rights. She was elected to the Italian Parliament in 1987. She served there until 1993. Whilst in office, and before the outset of the Gulf War, she offered to have sex with Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein in return for peace in the region. In 2004, she announced plans to run for mayor of Milan. Only two years before that campaign she renewed her offer to have sex with Saddam Hussein in October 2002, when Iraq was resisting international pressure to allow inspections for weapons of mass destruction. In April 2006, she made the same offer to Osama bin Laden in return for dismantling the Al Qaeda terrorist cells and surrendering himself to authorities. So okay she’s more than a bit “kooky”…maybe she’s a completely unorthodox eccentric, but gee her heart is certainly in the right place.

And then…WOW.. France had a LEGITIMATE Super Model as their First Lady!

First of all, Carla Bruni is an actual supermodel, as well as a successful singer/songwriter, and political activist. She is the third wife of former French President Nicolas Sarkosy.

According to Forbes magazine, she was ranked 35th in 2010 in the list of the most powerful women in the world. Committed to social issues, in 2009 she created the Carla Bruni-Sarkozy Foundation to promote access to culture, the arts and knowledge for all. As a guitarist and singer /songwriter she has sold well over five million albums worldwide.

Carla Bruni won the Victoire Award for Female Artist of the Year at the 2007 Victoires de la Musique. She has also had the following accolades bestowed upon her:

In France she received The Knight of the Ordre des Arts et des Lettres, 2003. She was also awarded the Grand Cross of the Order of Charles III, 2009 in Spain, and finally in Benin she was given The Grand Cross of the National Order of Merit, 2010. Pretty impressive, right? What she has achieved is not what most people would have expected from anyone..let alone..some fashion model.

What do we have?

UGHH.

We have an orange coloured, fat-arsed, narcissistic, compulsive lying, undeducted, ignorant imbecile, with an atrociously ridiculous comb-over. He has publicly mocked a disabled journalist. He has been accused of sexual assault by countless women. He has been married three times and cheated on all three of them. He’s admitted (on audio tape) of “pussy grabbing”…gross.. we all know the rest of that story. He also paid a porn star hush-money to shut her up about their trysts before his 2016 election.

(could somebody please explain to me why the far right evangelical fundamentalist Christians still think that he’s a good person?!?)

He’s been an over-rated reality television star. etc. etc. etc.

But the thing he lies about more than ANYTHING else is about him being this bigly “successful businessman”. He’s so successful that he’s been bankrupted six times. His list of bogus enterprises is a litany of spectacular, catastrophic, fiscal failures….

Trump Vodka.

Trump University.

Trump Steaks.

Trump Airlines.

Trump: The Game by Milton Bradley. (i didn’t make that one up either)

Trump Casinos.

Trump magazine.

Trump Mortgage Brokers

Trumps travel site.

Trumpnet; an idea for a Trump’s comms company.

Trump’s cologne brands: 

“Success” by Trump, “Empire” by Trump, and “Donald Trump: The Fragrance”

Trump Tower Tampa.

The list goes on-and-on ad infinitum, and ad nauseam. If there’s one thing Trump is more sensitive about than his tiny orange coloured hands with their baby carrot fingers, it’s the actual amount of his net worth. As Hillary Clinton once quipped:

“He’s written a lot of books about business…but they all seem to end at Chapter 11.”

So yeah U.S.A… THIS is what WE have….

Who’s laughing now? Not me. I’d rather have an Intelligent witty comedian, a politically active porn star politician, or a real Supermodel/Singer/Songwriter/Musician. All three of those people would be an amazing change to the shit-show going on in the U.S.

(…and also who’s OUR First Lady again? Oh yeah, some D-list Eastern Block escort who plagiarises other people’s speeches)

Improvisation

To stay in the top tier of The Stay At Home Modeling world requires endless practice, practice, practice. But even the most polished, accomplished, and astute Stay At Home Model can preform a dodgy turn, or execute some other clumsy move….or (gasp).. even fall over. However you must never forget who you are. You’re the “it” girl. You’re on the cover of every non-existent fashion magazine. You’re in the absolute stratosphere of Stay At Home Models. All of the most important fictitious people in your bogus fashion world look to you for their inspiration. The phalanx of imaginary photographers are waiting at the end of your make-believe runway (the stove and fridge in your kitchen). All of the very top echelons of pretend editors, illusionary fashion bloggers, made-up buyers, fabricated upper east side haute couture customers, and carefully curated concocted celebrities are watching your every single move. Now we all realise that this is an enormous amount of delusional pressure. That’s why a Stay At Home SUPER Model like yourself is always prepared for those exceptionally rare runway disasters. If something catastrophic happens on that chimerical catwalk of your’s…IMPROVISE! Turn your mishap into a major moment; and enduring iconic fashion image. Something that will be a concretization; an indelible memory for all of those invisible fashionistas in your head.

The Fine Art of Portrait Tattooing

I think that it’s really important to try out new ways of expressing oneself artistically. I feel as though it enriches the soul to endeavour new types of artistic medium to manifest one’s effusion towards life. There are so many options. Whether it’s macramé, interpretive modern dance, joining your local mummenschanz troupe… the possibilities are quite simply ENDLESS. I’ve decided that since I’m very minimally adept at figurative drawing and painting; and exceptionally, deeply, and distinctively bereft talent wise. (especially pertaining to portraiture representations of human beings), I made the completely ridiculous choice that I should try my hand at the beautiful art of Portrait Tattooing. I mean, it only makes sense right?My first thought was which person out of all the people in the world… who’s likeness shall I choose to portray? The second thought was from which group of people would I select to be the person (or persons) to BE my living canvases? In selecting a subject I decided that whomever I selected should be noteworthy. I have seen Portrait Tattoos depicting random ugly babies, unattractive spouses or deceased loved ones…but then I thought; who really cares? Those tattoos are of nobodies. I mean, those kinds of subjects would definitely have had some kind of significance to the people who chose to place them upon themselves..but from the general public’s viewpoint? They have zero meaning. I thought that the concept of having some random celebrity… (whom you have never known or ever even met) …having that celebrity’s image permanently displayed forever on your body would be so much better! So what dead person of infinite beauty, and of course, easily recognisable to everyone should I choose? Why Marilyn Monroe of course! Her iconic image permeates our society even after her death fifty eight years ago. I doubt that there are any people on this planet who are as famous and recognisable. So in choosing my human canvases, I had to select the most incidental, unimportant, casual acquaintances that I could think of. People who would also be the most appreciative recipients of her likeness; wanting her visage being proudly preserved on their bodies forever. So after seconds of intense pondering and deliberation, I chose four middle-aged gay men from middle America whom I had basically no previous connections to. (I used Craig’s List) My criterium?They had to be gullible, easily persuaded (and drunk). I think that you will agree with me that my attempts to immortalise Marilyn speak for themselves.

Since there obviously is no way that I could possibly improve upon my skills and abilities with this very ancient and significant art form, I think that I shall move on to bedazzling, and puffy painting sweatshirts. I feel that this above mentioned particular art form is sadly and undeservedly in decline.

It Could (No Longer) Happen To You…

…because Ed McMahon is no longer with us.

When I worked with Ed in LA I had no idea it would be the puffiest point of my life. (I am the pale pink guy on the left.) This Polaroid was taken by the talented Charlie Altuna during a month long photoshoot for TV Guide that was literally a daily carousel of stars. This picture remains one of my all time favorite souvenirs. When I asked Ed to pose with me while pointing to a check I thought I was being pretty clever. His reaction was a stone-faced, “no reaction” and he said simply, “Oh, you want it with the check, sure.” The whole thing took about two seconds. We stepped outside and approximately half a second before the shutter snapped he hit the pose and his face became the Ed McMahon all of America would recognize. We go it. Later we had a few laughs while waiting for lighting and I think he appreciated my “classic corn” style banter and I did get him laughing more than once.

When he was about to put his jacket on for the shoot he called me over to show me his cufflinks – a gift from his wife. They were little gold watches. The right one was set three hours ahead of the left one. He was soft spoken and made sure I got a very up close good long look at them. Leisurely he told me how he honestly needed them because he was back and forth across the country so often that this was the only way he could keep track of time.

While giving each cuff a final little tug he delivered the unexpected punch, (but softly and without emotion) “Left coast, right coast. That’s how I keep it straight.”

I was instantly in silent hysterics. Talk about timing! That was a private three minute performance…and no smerks from Johnny. Did you know Ed was also a singer?

God, I miss showbusiness. Is anybody in showbusiness anymore? I guess not.

PANSYBEAT T’s If You Please

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Yours truly,

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