It Could (No Longer) Happen To You…

…because Ed McMahon is no longer with us.

When I worked with Ed in LA I had no idea it would be the puffiest point of my life. (I am the pale pink guy on the left.) This Polaroid was taken by the talented Charlie Altuna during a month long photoshoot for TV Guide that was literally a daily carousel of stars. This picture remains one of my all time favorite souvenirs. When I asked Ed to pose with me while pointing to a check I thought I was being pretty clever. His reaction was a stone-faced, “no reaction” and he said simply, “Oh, you want it with the check, sure.” The whole thing took about two seconds. We stepped outside and approximately half a second before the shutter snapped he hit the pose and his face became the Ed McMahon all of America would recognize. We go it. Later we had a few laughs while waiting for lighting and I think he appreciated my “classic corn” style banter and I did get him laughing more than once.

When he was about to put his jacket on for the shoot he called me over to show me his cufflinks – a gift from his wife. They were little gold watches. The right one was set three hours ahead of the left one. He was soft spoken and made sure I got a very up close good long look at them. Leisurely he told me how he honestly needed them because he was back and forth across the country so often that this was the only way he could keep track of time.

While giving each cuff a final little tug he delivered the unexpected punch, (but softly and without emotion) “Left coast, right coast. That’s how I keep it straight.”

I was instantly in silent hysterics. Talk about timing! That was a private three minute performance…and no smerks from Johnny. Did you know Ed was also a singer?

God, I miss showbusiness. Is anybody in showbusiness anymore? I guess not.

Leaving Neverland And The Fallout For DJ’S

After watching what I consider to be the first fully truthful documentary about Michael Jackson’s serial child molestations I am feeling depressed but certainly not shocked. In 1997 I read, “Michael Jackson Was My Lover: The Secret Diary of Jordie Chandler” and believed every word of it. This truth is not news to me. Lots of us read it back then and the shocking paperback got passed around our group of friends resulting in many even higher raised eyebrows to say the least. I think it was the first book I ever bought online actually because it was only permitted to be published in Chile due to the Chandler’s secret out of court settlement. I wish it had been returned to me because as of today it’s going for as much as $768.00 being classified as rare! Sad emoiji.

Do you have my copy of this? If so, why not have a friend email for my address me and return it to me anonymously?

After an afternoon of feeling helpless I realized there is at least one thing I can do. As of today, I will no longer be playing any Michael Jackson recordings publicly as a DJ. I realize the result of this decision could have negative monetary implications for the Jackson estate, possibly in excess of $0.05 however I think if every music programmer or DJ in the world did the same, even for year, the world might take notice.

Please watch, “Leaving Neverland.” I never fully understood the wide reaching destruction that child sex abuse causes. Thank you to the makers, the people at HBO and to everybody else that helped to bring this teary eye opening issue to the spotlight. If you don’t have access to it, email me and I will help you out.

Perfect Sleeper Part Two

By now, anybody with eyes is no doubt familiar with Joey’s seminal performance in, “Giant Logo” by acclaimed director of over 1000 commercials the great, Ahmed Lateef. Now instead of counting sheep let’s blog a moment for part two, for, “a new Joey – She’s more contemplative, quiet, beautiful. Ten giant mirrors will capture the beauty of The Perfect Sleeper and a crystal chandelier will add highlights to the mattress.” – getting hard yet? who’s got a semi? Show of hands…

roll it, Ahmed.

And yes, Virginia there are new Joey gifs and the first batch is about to drop righch-a-bout now.

“I thought I’d sort of do one of my oooh things and then bring it in for a silent ‘Hi’ with my eyes.”
“I thought maybe I’d feel it up front for a second then let it just dip down a little…but…I dunno”
Brush Brush Bump Toss Repeat (forever)
NOTE: keep your brush under the mattress, like Joey does.
Think about it, pout about it, wonder about it and then let it come up and right out of you…like no other performer can.

There will be more Joey gifs but there may never be a more perfect sleeper.

Firmness and comfort. That’s what you need for a perfect night’s sleep.

Unitard Retruns to Joe’s Pub

NEW SHOW!
Mike Albo, Nora Burns and David Ilku are back with their wildly twisted take on everything annoying, amusing and artisanal. It’s a comic cocktail for your psyche. 

“Don’t miss this! Incredibly vicious and relentlessly hilarious.”- Time Out New York 
“Critics Pick” – The New Yorker
“Highbrow/Lowbrow Brilliant” – New York Magazine

Tickets $20 at Joe’s Pub (photo Aaron Cobbett)

Cancer Schmancer!

Fran Drescher’s anti-cancer organization is not breaking news but nonetheless it is interesting, relevant and important for your health.

READ ALL ABOUT IT HERE

Besides admitting to being a little behind in many ways, I also admit to taking advantage of every chance I have to post something about Fran Drescher. J’love Fran Drescher, and now she can help us all to avoid cancer in the fyoochah!

Thanks Fran!

look how gorjiss

Is That Lady OK?

Christy Minstrel sent this disturbing photo to me last night and although I wasn’t upset by it at first, I think it’s fair to say that this photo of B. Davis may quite possibly posses a very powerful and arresting un-named form of mental magnetism. PLEASE – for your own sake and for the sake of your friends and families,

DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY INTO HER EYES!

Personally, I was stuck on the uni-lip for most of the morning and by lunch I was onto the kid leather glove. Unfortunately, I learned about the hypnotic negative effect of this photo after I looked directly into those Bette Davis eyes. As I felt my own will draining out of me like an opened vein, I knew then that Kim Carnes was much more than an AM top forty fad. The lady was now singing my life with her song ( scratch that – wrong song.) Anyway, I guess it must have been a few hours later that I even realized those eyes had rolled me like dice. I was bruised and hungry and I had peed myself , (possibly more than once), yet still I couldn’t escape those eyes…those Bette Davis Eyes. I’m very far away from home now...Mommy? Bette?

For God’s sake, readers! Don’t make the same mistake I did! Click away while you still have the strength to swipe! Save yourselves!

( later this evening ) I am blogging this from a very lovely padded cell somewhere and I have been restrained by three very nice men and I am wearing a 1937 model canvas straight jacket (which fits like a glove!) … a glove????   Did I say a glove?  A KID LEATHER GLOVE MAYBE?????  AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!   NURSE!   NURSE!!!

( An injection is administered )

Im sorry. I’m very sorry. I feel better now, I really do… I guess I am just feeling overwhelmed by that picture of that woman…and being strapped in….I mean “restrained,” : ) can be very difficult for someone with frequent grand gestures….and….Im hugging myself. Im just hugging myself…

(delusional mumbling)

(crying now) It’s just so god dammed hard to keep blogging when you are typing everything with a single toe….behind your back…in a padded cell….on the floor…and it’s just so cold in here….why is it so freaking cold in here?…I sure could use a mink stole right about now. …a what??? A mink stole? Do I mean a mink stole exactly like the one IN THAT DAMMED DAVIS PIC? DO I BILLY?   AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!      NURSE!!!!    NURSE!!!!!  Dammit! She is always on her break!!!!

(overcome with a sudden calmness) – How silly of me…I know exactly how to handle that cut-rate kodachrome glossy. (giggling)  It’s really so simple…

( Baby Jane voice ) ….and I will NEHVAH have tooo see that horrible pikcha again!

(thud)