WANTED : For Not Grand, But Still Upsetting LARCENY

My bike was stolen last night at 11:18PM, June 24th from 250 West 15 St, OUCH (Outer Chelsea), NYC. Here’s a couple of pictures of the perp and a short video of the crime.

WARNING – this video contains disturbing footage of an actual crime being committed against an innocent bicycle. Bike lovers should take note.

Sayonara, Fuli Crosstown 3.0

I still can’t with a Citibike though. Can’t.

Unusual choices made to select people for significant positions in the world ; I’m not laughing, but I think the whole world is laughing at us.

You know dear readers, I keep hearing: “I can’t believe that Volodymyr Zelensky won the presidency in Ukraine!?! He has no political experience!!”

You know what I say? So what. He’s a wildly popular, very talented comedian, and apparently he’s extremely intelligent. The highly rated television show he recently starred in is a TV series in which he played a history teacher who is elected president after his rant about government corruption on social media goes viral.

(art imitating life, or is it the other way around?)

His primary comedy focus has been political satire. I think he sounds like the “Ukrainian Stephen Colbert”. He’s also a very financially successful media mogul, and by all accounts, a really decent person. It may seem funny to some people that he was elected president, but that doesn’t sound like such a terrible choice to me.

Also, don’t forget that Italy had the honourable Ilona Staller..aka “Cicciolina” the porn star politician.

Staller was presented as a candidate to the Italian parliament by the Lista del Sole, Italy’s very first Green Party. In 1985, she switched to the Partito Radicale, campaigning on a libertarian platform against nuclear energy. She was also a staunch political supporter for human rights. She was elected to the Italian Parliament in 1987. She served there until 1993. Whilst in office, and before the outset of the Gulf War, she offered to have sex with Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein in return for peace in the region. In 2004, she announced plans to run for mayor of Milan. Only two years before that campaign she renewed her offer to have sex with Saddam Hussein in October 2002, when Iraq was resisting international pressure to allow inspections for weapons of mass destruction. In April 2006, she made the same offer to Osama bin Laden in return for dismantling the Al Qaeda terrorist cells and surrendering himself to authorities. So okay she’s more than a bit “kooky”…maybe she’s a completely unorthodox eccentric, but gee her heart is certainly in the right place.

And then…WOW.. France had a LEGITIMATE Super Model as their First Lady!

First of all, Carla Bruni is an actual supermodel, as well as a successful singer/songwriter, and political activist. She is the third wife of former French President Nicolas Sarkosy.

According to Forbes magazine, she was ranked 35th in 2010 in the list of the most powerful women in the world. Committed to social issues, in 2009 she created the Carla Bruni-Sarkozy Foundation to promote access to culture, the arts and knowledge for all. As a guitarist and singer /songwriter she has sold well over five million albums worldwide.

Carla Bruni won the Victoire Award for Female Artist of the Year at the 2007 Victoires de la Musique. She has also had the following accolades bestowed upon her:

In France she received The Knight of the Ordre des Arts et des Lettres, 2003. She was also awarded the Grand Cross of the Order of Charles III, 2009 in Spain, and finally in Benin she was given The Grand Cross of the National Order of Merit, 2010. Pretty impressive, right? What she has achieved is not what most people would have expected from anyone..let alone..some fashion model.

What do we have?

UGHH.

We have an orange coloured, fat-arsed, narcissistic, compulsive lying, undeducted, ignorant imbecile, with an atrociously ridiculous comb-over. He has publicly mocked a disabled journalist. He has been accused of sexual assault by countless women. He has been married three times and cheated on all three of them. He’s admitted (on audio tape) of “pussy grabbing”…gross.. we all know the rest of that story. He also paid a porn star hush-money to shut her up about their trysts before his 2016 election.

(could somebody please explain to me why the far right evangelical fundamentalist Christians still think that he’s a good person?!?)

He’s been an over-rated reality television star. etc. etc. etc.

But the thing he lies about more than ANYTHING else is about him being this bigly “successful businessman”. He’s so successful that he’s been bankrupted six times. His list of bogus enterprises is a litany of spectacular, catastrophic, fiscal failures….

Trump Vodka.

Trump University.

Trump Steaks.

Trump Airlines.

Trump: The Game by Milton Bradley. (i didn’t make that one up either)

Trump Casinos.

Trump magazine.

Trump Mortgage Brokers

Trumps travel site.

Trumpnet; an idea for a Trump’s comms company.

Trump’s cologne brands: 

“Success” by Trump, “Empire” by Trump, and “Donald Trump: The Fragrance”

Trump Tower Tampa.

The list goes on-and-on ad infinitum, and ad nauseam. If there’s one thing Trump is more sensitive about than his tiny orange coloured hands with their baby carrot fingers, it’s the actual amount of his net worth. As Hillary Clinton once quipped:

“He’s written a lot of books about business…but they all seem to end at Chapter 11.”

So yeah U.S.A… THIS is what WE have….

Who’s laughing now? Not me. I’d rather have an Intelligent witty comedian, a politically active porn star politician, or a real Supermodel/Singer/Songwriter/Musician. All three of those people would be an amazing change to the shit-show going on in the U.S.

(…and also who’s OUR First Lady again? Oh yeah, some D-list Eastern Block escort who plagiarises other people’s speeches)

Summer Readiness!

Spring is in the air!

(or is that just the smell of all the rotting piles of fish, fly covered duck parts, and the abundance of mushy, blackened, mouldy fruits and vegetables cascading out of the garbage bins on every corner of China Town after a long hot weekend?)

ANYWAY, I digress (yet again)… SPRING…or something…is in the air! And we all know what that means. There is something sinister lurking just after Labour Day…. SUMMER. It’s that dreaded perennial season that inflicts self loathing, acute body dysmorphia, and humiliation upon most of the population. Every year it’s just as reliable as when Puxasutawney Phil comes peeking out of his burrow. It’s just as predictable as October bringing us Halloween. And of course the arrival of Halloween means attending parties where once more you hear the reoccurring theme of everybody’s costume. The description of said theme is naturally:

“I’m a Sexy ______”

(you can fill in that above blank with anything from “kitten”, “nurse”, “pirate”, “baby”, “homeless man”, “burn victim” through to “cadaver”)

But..back to our topic…

Yes, SUMMER is coming. The season whose high temperatures, and societal expectations demand that we wear less coverings over our pale, flabby bodies. Those same bodies that have been safely camouflaged all through autumn and winter by cashmere sweaters, silk lined woollen trousers, fashionable boots, hand knitted scarves, glamorous drama coats (à la Çomme de Garçon) and a vast variety of garments created from beautiful tactile fabrics. (le sigh)

Summer, on the other hand is the season, that to me, demands that I wear clothing and bathing suits that exacerbate the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.

I know a lot of people say: “You should just join a gym and start working out! You’ll get such a high from it!”, or “Take a Spin Class, it’s so much fun!”, and

“I’m on a really fun ______team, you should come and play with us!”

I have attempted all of those activities, and believe me when I tell you that I totally went at it half-heartedly, and gave it the best half-arsed effort that I kinda tried to muster. Going to the gym, and especially trying out a Spin Class made me completely anxious, self conscious and nauseous. Being around all those muscular, toned young people made me feel like a giant albino squid, thrown out of the ocean, and onto a beach. I was flopping about uncoordinated and exposed. All that my squid self desperately wanted to do was to find some way back into that ocean water again, and then squirt out a huge cloud of black ink in which to hide myself, and cower. In other words, as far as gyms? I’d rather wear fire as a hat.

After all of those experiences I have decided that I already get plenty of exercise from chain smoking, driving a stick-shift, wandering through the streets aimlessly every weekend, and lying in bed and complaining.

However, I did recently unearth a long forgotten ancient VHS tape!

(yes I DO do still own a VCR. I use it to view all of the old videos that I never got around to converting to DVD’s twenty years ago…and yes DVD’s still exist too. Not everything is on Netflix baby)

So this afore mentioned tape is an old eighties work-out tape was designed especially for men. I have been watching it and copying all the movements for weeks, but I am still not looking like any of the men on the tape. Then I realised that maybe the point isn’t looking like those men, but rather to just like looking at them.

Enjoy!

Yes, You May(belline)

The man who finds Buddhism in mascara

A report from our Left Coast Wessside Reporter

Kodo Nishimura is a make-up artist from Japan. He leads an unusual double life, as he is also a fully trained Buddhist monk.

As a gay man, he has found that Buddhism has accepted his sexuality. Some of his followers on Instagram ask for his advice, telling him that their families frown upon homosexuality because of their religion in their parts of the world. For Kodo, Buddhism has instead shown him equality, and encouraged him to be himself.

In Japan, Buddhist monks can have other careers alongside their life as a monk. Kodo got to train as a make-up artist in the US, and he believes that allowing monks to lead lives outside the monastery has helped the faith survive in contemporary Japanese society

Leaving Neverland And The Fallout For DJ’S

After watching what I consider to be the first fully truthful documentary about Michael Jackson’s serial child molestations I am feeling depressed but certainly not shocked. In 1997 I read, “Michael Jackson Was My Lover: The Secret Diary of Jordie Chandler” and believed every word of it. This truth is not news to me. Lots of us read it back then and the shocking paperback got passed around our group of friends resulting in many even higher raised eyebrows to say the least. I think it was the first book I ever bought online actually because it was only permitted to be published in Chile due to the Chandler’s secret out of court settlement. I wish it had been returned to me because as of today it’s going for as much as $768.00 being classified as rare! Sad emoiji.

Do you have my copy of this? If so, why not have a friend email for my address me and return it to me anonymously?

After an afternoon of feeling helpless I realized there is at least one thing I can do. As of today, I will no longer be playing any Michael Jackson recordings publicly as a DJ. I realize the result of this decision could have negative monetary implications for the Jackson estate, possibly in excess of $0.05 however I think if every music programmer or DJ in the world did the same, even for year, the world might take notice.

Please watch, “Leaving Neverland.” I never fully understood the wide reaching destruction that child sex abuse causes. Thank you to the makers, the people at HBO and to everybody else that helped to bring this teary eye opening issue to the spotlight. If you don’t have access to it, email me and I will help you out.