Summer Readiness!

Spring is in the air!

(or is that just the smell of all the rotting piles of fish, fly covered duck parts, and the abundance of mushy, blackened, mouldy fruits and vegetables cascading out of the garbage bins on every corner of China Town after a long hot weekend?)

ANYWAY, I digress (yet again)… SPRING…or something…is in the air! And we all know what that means. There is something sinister lurking just after Labour Day…. SUMMER. It’s that dreaded perennial season that inflicts self loathing, acute body dysmorphia, and humiliation upon most of the population. Every year it’s just as reliable as when Puxasutawney Phil comes peeking out of his burrow. It’s just as predictable as October bringing us Halloween. And of course the arrival of Halloween means attending parties where once more you hear the reoccurring theme of everybody’s costume. The description of said theme is naturally:

“I’m a Sexy ______”

(you can fill in that above blank with anything from “kitten”, “nurse”, “pirate”, “baby”, “homeless man”, “burn victim” through to “cadaver”)

But..back to our topic…

Yes, SUMMER is coming. The season whose high temperatures, and societal expectations demand that we wear less coverings over our pale, flabby bodies. Those same bodies that have been safely camouflaged all through autumn and winter by cashmere sweaters, silk lined woollen trousers, fashionable boots, hand knitted scarves, glamorous drama coats (à la Çomme de Garçon) and a vast variety of garments created from beautiful tactile fabrics. (le sigh)

Summer, on the other hand is the season, that to me, demands that I wear clothing and bathing suits that exacerbate the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.

I know a lot of people say: “You should just join a gym and start working out! You’ll get such a high from it!”, or “Take a Spin Class, it’s so much fun!”, and

I’m on a really fun ______team, you should come and play with us!”

I have attempted all of those activities, and believe me when I tell you that I totally went at it half-heartedly, and gave it the best half-arsed effort that I kinda tried to muster. Going to the gym, and especially trying out a Spin Class made me completely anxious, self conscious and nauseous. Being around all those muscular, toned young people made me feel like a giant albino squid, thrown out of the ocean, and onto a beach. I was flopping about uncoordinated and exposed. All that my squid self desperately wanted to do was to find some way back into that ocean water again, and then squirt out a huge cloud of black ink in which to hide myself, and cower. In other words, as far as gyms? I’d rather wear fire as a hat.

After all of those experiences I have decided that I already get plenty of exercise from chain smoking, driving a stick-shift, wandering through the streets aimlessly every weekend, and lying in bed and complaining.

However, I did recently unearth a long forgotten ancient VHS tape!

(yes I DO do still own a VCR. I use it to view all of the old videos that I never got around to converting to DVD’s twenty years ago…and yes DVD’s still exist too. Not everything is on Netflix baby)

So this afore mentioned tape is an old eighties work-out tape was designed especially for men. I have been watching it and copying all the movements for weeks, but I am still not looking like any of the men on the tape. Then I realised that maybe the point isn’t looking like those men, but rather to just like looking at them.

Enjoy!

Hattie’s Parade

Good-bye Brian. I will miss you. You always respected me and my ideas even at the age of twenty! Loretta B. Demille. Hattie Hathaway. Brian Butterick. You helped make so much possible for me and so many others. They even stopped the traffic on 2nd Avenue for your memorial march. Impressive.

It Could (No Longer) Happen To You…

…because Ed McMahon is no longer with us.

When I worked with Ed in LA I had no idea it would be the puffiest point of my life. (I am the pale pink guy on the left.) This Polaroid was taken by the talented Charlie Altuna during a month long photoshoot for TV Guide that was literally a daily carousel of stars. This picture remains one of my all time favorite souvenirs. When I asked Ed to pose with me while pointing to a check I thought I was being pretty clever. His reaction was a stone-faced, “no reaction” and he said simply, “Oh, you want it with the check, sure.” The whole thing took about two seconds. We stepped outside and approximately half a second before the shutter snapped he hit the pose and his face became the Ed McMahon all of America would recognize. We go it. Later we had a few laughs while waiting for lighting and I think he appreciated my “classic corn” style banter and I did get him laughing more than once.

When he was about to put his jacket on for the shoot he called me over to show me his cufflinks – a gift from his wife. They were little gold watches. The right one was set three hours ahead of the left one. He was soft spoken and made sure I got a very up close good long look at them. Leisurely he told me how he honestly needed them because he was back and forth across the country so often that this was the only way he could keep track of time.

While giving each cuff a final little tug he delivered the unexpected punch, (but softly and without emotion) “Left coast, right coast. That’s how I keep it straight.”

I was instantly in silent hysterics. Talk about timing! That was a private three minute performance…and no smerks from Johnny. Did you know Ed was also a singer?

God, I miss showbusiness. Is anybody in showbusiness anymore? I guess not.

Leaving Neverland And The Fallout For DJ’S

After watching what I consider to be the first fully truthful documentary about Michael Jackson’s serial child molestations I am feeling depressed but certainly not shocked. In 1997 I read, “Michael Jackson Was My Lover: The Secret Diary of Jordie Chandler” and believed every word of it. This truth is not news to me. Lots of us read it back then and the shocking paperback got passed around our group of friends resulting in many even higher raised eyebrows to say the least. I think it was the first book I ever bought online actually because it was only permitted to be published in Chile due to the Chandler’s secret out of court settlement. I wish it had been returned to me because as of today it’s going for as much as $768.00 being classified as rare! Sad emoiji.

Do you have my copy of this? If so, why not have a friend email for my address me and return it to me anonymously?

After an afternoon of feeling helpless I realized there is at least one thing I can do. As of today, I will no longer be playing any Michael Jackson recordings publicly as a DJ. I realize the result of this decision could have negative monetary implications for the Jackson estate, possibly in excess of $0.05 however I think if every music programmer or DJ in the world did the same, even for year, the world might take notice.

Please watch, “Leaving Neverland.” I never fully understood the wide reaching destruction that child sex abuse causes. Thank you to the makers, the people at HBO and to everybody else that helped to bring this teary eye opening issue to the spotlight. If you don’t have access to it, email me and I will help you out.

Perfect Sleeper Part Two

By now, anybody with eyes is no doubt familiar with Joey’s seminal performance in, “Giant Logo” by acclaimed director of over 1000 commercials the great, Ahmed Lateef. Now instead of counting sheep let’s blog a moment for part two, for, “a new Joey – She’s more contemplative, quiet, beautiful. Ten giant mirrors will capture the beauty of The Perfect Sleeper and a crystal chandelier will add highlights to the mattress.” – getting hard yet? who’s got a semi? Show of hands…

roll it, Ahmed.

And yes, Virginia there are new Joey gifs and the first batch is about to drop righch-a-bout now.

“I thought I’d sort of do one of my oooh things and then bring it in for a silent ‘Hi’ with my eyes.”
“I thought maybe I’d feel it up front for a second then let it just dip down a little…but…I dunno”
Brush Brush Bump Toss Repeat (forever)
NOTE: keep your brush under the mattress, like Joey does.
Think about it, pout about it, wonder about it and then let it come up and right out of you…like no other performer can.

There will be more Joey gifs but there may never be a more perfect sleeper.

Firmness and comfort. That’s what you need for a perfect night’s sleep.

Unitard Retruns to Joe’s Pub

NEW SHOW!
Mike Albo, Nora Burns and David Ilku are back with their wildly twisted take on everything annoying, amusing and artisanal. It’s a comic cocktail for your psyche. 

“Don’t miss this! Incredibly vicious and relentlessly hilarious.”- Time Out New York 
“Critics Pick” – The New Yorker
“Highbrow/Lowbrow Brilliant” – New York Magazine

Tickets $20 at Joe’s Pub (photo Aaron Cobbett)

Cancer Schmancer!

Fran Drescher’s anti-cancer organization is not breaking news but nonetheless it is interesting, relevant and important for your health.

READ ALL ABOUT IT HERE

Besides admitting to being a little behind in many ways, I also admit to taking advantage of every chance I have to post something about Fran Drescher. J’love Fran Drescher, and now she can help us all to avoid cancer in the fyoochah!

Thanks Fran!

look how gorjiss