You think YOU’RE sorry you’re dead? I’ll tell ya who’s sorry your dead. Everybody, that’s who. And another thing – everybody also knows you get no apologies for dying. They will not be accepted now or ever due to the fact that you are currently and in perpetuity certifiably non living. Don’t make me say dirt nap, Douglas. The only sign I want to see on your tombstone is, “Back In 15 Minutes.” YOU’RE sorry. yeah right. Good one. Now can the corn, corpse . S anyway, since you’ve been gone it’s been a shitshow here. I mean, if I told you that a global pandemic has been raging for over a year now you’d never believe me right? Well believe me. Oh that reminds me, if you see Nashom will you tell him that The Cock is opening up again soon and there’s a rumor going around that they are creating a new room in there to be known as The Nashom Lounge. I know he’ll love that.

Happy Memorial Day, Douglas, today’s your day! Back here in Hell you get exactly one day for dying. Period. One stinkin’ day to do nothing except maybe save twenty bucks on a mid size appliance and we have the nerve to call it a holiday. In your case you get quite a few days a year to be remembered and missed and continually loved – but those aren’t holidays. Those days when I’m talking to you or about you are pretty much the opposite of a holiday. Those are are the days when Douglas is still dead and everything is still full retail. Life is Hell.

Ya mind if I ask you a favor? Save me a space next to you, will ya? Hey, things happen you know? People die. I could be hit by a bus tomorrow. I’d just like to live knowing that I won’t have to fight for real estate in my afterlife. Big hugs Doug…love your halo. I think you were right to forget the wings. Wings can make your ass look fat. Truth!!Bye Douglas. Everything still sucks here and I still love you. End of ceremony.

This ceremony is OVER, Douglas. I gotta run up to Macy’s annual white sale. It’s always impossible prices and high thread counts. I don’t suppose you could use…no. Nevermind. Byeeeeeee.